You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
