don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
