i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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