Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
