its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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