Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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