i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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