my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
