By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm too high and old for this...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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