I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
