He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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