Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
