Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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