You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
