and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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