tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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