John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
