Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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