Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I understand Curling. That high.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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