we have pet lesbian snakes
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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