It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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