you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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