Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
