the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
