My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
