i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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