I don't usually arrange sex via text message
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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