it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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