My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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