You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
