I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
