I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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