don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
