just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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