You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
