My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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