I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
