Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Randomize
