I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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