how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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