Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
