Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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