I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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