So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
