I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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