How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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