Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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