Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
