He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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