Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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