I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So here I am, sexting at work.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
