I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
