remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
