hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
