I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
