I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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