I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We need to get me chipped asap
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