Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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