Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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