I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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