I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
